Breast Cancer at 41- It’s a @#$ Day

048This morning was a shit morning.  There – I said it.

Today was a day where I got so fed up with being me.  I normally don’t break down and I normally don’t feel sorry for myself, but today I snapped.  I don’t know if it was brought on by my hormones being all screwed up due to my recent surgery* or that I’m just done.  That’s right – all done with ALL of it and I just want “it” – the endless doctors visits, the “treatments” and the IV’s –  to be OVER!!!

At 9:15am this morning, I had an appointment with the cardiologist.  This was a routine check-up prescribed by my Medical Oncology to see how my heart was holding up to the chemotherapy.  Chemotherapy – so bad for your body that it not only kills the cancer, your hair, your nails, and your brain cells, but can also damage your heart!

049What sent me over the edge was I was mentally prepared to have an Echo-cardiogram (sonogram of the heart).  However, my doctor scheduled me for a MUGA scan (MUltiple Gated Acquisition scan).   This scan takes images of the beating heart to help determine the health of the cardiac ventricles.

Poor ignorant me was sooooo very unprepared for my test that when I sat down in the medical office I got a little excited to see there was a treadmill.   I asked if running on the treadmill was part of the test!!!!   Nope, sorry – DENIED.

It wasn’t the MUGA scan that sent me over the edge.  It was the fact another technician was going to stick yet another IV into my vein that I just couldn’t deal with IT/THIS/ALL OF IT anymore on this fine Monday, morning.

052However, once again I put on my big-girl panties and I sucked it up.  I had the technician (I wish I could remember his name – he was very nice and really patient with me) explain the process:

  1. I will place the IV in your arm
  2. I will inject a radioactive substance, Technetium 99, into your bloodstream
  3. You will then sit and wait for 20 minutes for the radioactive substance to attach to your red blood cells
  4. I will take 2 photos under the gamma camera.  Each photo will take approximately 10 minutes and you should NOT move!

So while I waited my 20 minutes for the “radioactive substance” to do its’ thing, I listened to the latest “Another Mother Runner” podcast, and there was Bart Yasso being interviewed by SBS and Dimity.  He said, “Never take a finish line for granted.”   Right there I stopped the podcast and was brought into the MUGA scan room.  I just let the statement resonate.  I laid there sobbing, really sobbing, tears rolling down my face while I was on the machine with my arms above my head (but not too far above my head because I just had surgery less than 2-weeks ago and I can’t lift them any higher).

“NEVER TAKE A FINISH LINE FOR GRANTED.” – Bart Yasso

047Powerful – and so very true.  Just yesterday, I had walked a 5k – a race I was so happy to BE ABLE TO WALK.  And even though I had run 15 full marathons and 24 half marathons it didn’t matter to me because all that mattered was I was able to cross the finish line of a 5K.  A 5K – the littlest race of them all, but the most important to me at this moment because that’s what I was able to do ON THAT GIVEN DAY and I was thankful.

I arrived home from my appointment.  Cleaned up the full thermos cup of hot coffee I dropped in the car while driving to the appointment and checked the mail.  I had received an unsolicited package from CareRunners.  Inside was a medal – a 2014 Pixie Challenge 22.4 Flutter to the Finish – for completing the Tinker Bell 5k, 10K, and Half Marathon.

053Now, I don’t know who sent this medal to me, but damn I needed it today.  I needed that pat on the back that said, “You are a strong, bad ass and this too shall pass.”  So, I thank you, whoever you are, because it started my afternoon on a high note!

*coming soon – Breast Cancer at 41 – Reconstruction & Hysterectomy

12 Comments on “Breast Cancer at 41- It’s a @#$ Day

  1. My heart breaks for you to have that kind of shitty day. You ARE so strong. You know that but even stronger to share these gut wrenching moments. I just want to hug you so bad right now. I know we barely know each other but I think of you often. Thanks to whoever sent that Tink medal to you to bring you some brightness on a much cloudy day. Stay strong my friend. Love you

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  2. Thank you for this post, Kimberly. I am having a “I feel sorry for myself” workday/week/month/year, and your post reminded me that my problems are high class problems. You are an inspiration to so many, and I am truly blessed to know you.

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  3. Kim, “You are a strong, bad ass and this too shall pass.” You are still human. Don’t get down on yourself. You have accomplished amazing things in such a positive way. One visit months after my surgery, I drove to my appt and read “cancer center” on the side of the building. It hit me like an earthquake! I was unprepared for how my mind and emotions processed those words that day. I broke down and cried for an hour before, during, and after my appt. The Dr told me it was normal, that once life starts to become normal and the worst was passed, only then does the magnitude really hit.
    Just know you are amazing, AND human. Let yourself feel whatever comes up… It WILL pass and you survived!! Know I am sending you a virtual hug!

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  4. Thanks so much for sharing. You have been so strong through all of this and you do deserve to have a good cry and breakdown. This shit is HARD and you have shown amazing perseverance. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other…you’ll get there.
    I think of you often as I deal with my struggles with ulcerative colitis and my recent miscarriage. Your strength has helped get me out of a bad spot on many days when all I wanted to do was stay in bed, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. We all can’t be invincible even though we wish we could.
    xoxo

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  5. Even badassess like you (and you know you are!) are entitled to a “poor me” kind of a day. Now go kick the living piss out of something and move on!

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  6. The end of your post is resonating with me greatly today. Its the little things, and the small accomplishments, that can make the big challenges seem manageable again. Although I’m facing my own health challenges right now, I know that I’m not the only one facing an uphill battle. Thanks for sharing your battle so openly. It definitely helps to know that you’re not alone in our feelings of helplessness.

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  7. I love that you are wearing that medal! I had mine (the 19.3 version) on today too only I knew mine was coming! I LOVE that someone sent that to you! How thoughtful and AWESOME! You are allowed to have a “moment”… several “moments” actually. You are such a strong person… obviously able to leap tall buildings in a single bound… but even super heroes have a “moment” (don’t they?) So give yourself what it was… and move on! (Which I am sure you already did)… Thank you for inspiring the rest of us! If we lived closer to each other I would be bringing your family a casserole tonight (all the way from Seattle it might be kind of gross by the time you got it) … it is what I do… have a “day”… bring a casserole. So imagine a virtual casserole… Hang in there!

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  8. It sucks, shitty days are part of this roller coaster we are on. And damn it you are allowed to have a pitty party for yourself. I actually find a good cry therapeutic! I’m sending good vibes your way, you are strong, smart and beautiful! You can do this, like you said you got your big girl panties on! ( mine are getting kinda old I think I need brand new big girl panties after three years lol)

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  9. Listen to me, young lady…. (and I think it’s OK for me to say this to you, being so “much older”), it is absolutely normal to have a #&!$ day AND cry…it is healthy, actually. There will be days like this…then, you can “pull up those droopy pants” and get out that door and “get on with it”! So, take a deep breath…..and go!! Luv Ya!

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  10. I know how you feel! You will get through this!! (And request to join Running in the Pink on Facebook if you haven’t already. We’re all going through the same thing and can give you more support!)

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